Friday, May 21, 2010
A young woman went to her mother and explained that life was very hard for her. She didn’t know how she was going to survive and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling, and it seemed that each time one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen, filled three pots with water and placed each pot on a high fire. Soon, the pots came to a boil. In the first pot she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed a pouch of ground coffee beans.
In about 20 minutes, the mother of the young woman turned off the burners. She fished out the carrots and the eggs and placed them in separate bowls. She then ladled out the coffee, which had resulted from the coffee beans in the third pot, and poured it into another bowl. Turning to her daughter, she instructed, “Tell me what you see.”
“I see carrots, eggs and coffee,” the young woman replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. Upon feeling the carrots, the young woman noted that they were soft. Her mother then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed a hard-boiled egg.
Finally, her mother asked her to sip the coffee. The young woman smiled as she inhaled the coffee’s inviting aroma and savored the taste of its rich flavor. Then she asked, “But, what does it mean, Mom?”
Her mother explained to her that each of the objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. However, each reacted very differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting but, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior but, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans, on the other hand . . . they were unique. After being subjected to the boiling water, they had actually changed the water. “So,” the older woman asked her daughter, “which one are you? When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”
So, it’s time to ask yourself . . . Which am I? Do I seem strong but then become soft and lose my strength when faced with pain and adversity, like the carrot?
Am I more like the egg? Did I start out start out with a malleable heart and a fluid spirit that became hardened or stiff after the death of someone close to me, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial? Does my shell look the same, even though I’ve become cold and tough on the inside?
Or, am I closer in character to the coffee bean, which releases its fragrance and flavor when faced with hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain? In other words, when things are at their worst, do I make things better by changing the situation around me?
When the hour is darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
In my experience, the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Take a minute to reflect on the people who mean something to you; those who have touched your life and inspired you in one way or another; those who make you smile when you really need it; those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; those whose friendships you appreciate.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy, and . . . May we all be COFFEE BEANS!!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Self-acceptance and coming to terms with your feelings are the first order of business in transition. If you are not emotionally grounded from the onset, you are going to have a difficult transition. Transition is a minor issue in comparison to self-acceptance.
Many transsexual women face harassment and ridicule, sometimes even since childhood, because of what society considers inappropriate gender behavior. To distance ourselves from this, we sometimes take self-loathing to extremes like substance abuse or even suicidal tendencies. In lesser cases, we may just place ourselves in a "gender hell" of our own making-- by doing things expected of men like marriage, children, or hyper-masculine activities and occupations.
As we come to terms with how we feel and what needs to be done about it, our self-esteem can take a huge beating. Why did I wait so long? How will I deal with getting out of my male existence? Is this really going to make me happier?
These aren't easy questions. Add to that the fact that most of society is not that accepting of transsexual women. Early attempts at exploring one's femininity can range anywhere from freeing to devastating. You may face the anger of loved ones, coworkers, even strangers.
All of this can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. It's hard to stand tall when you're being beaten down by others. But the worst thing is that many of us end up being our own worst critics.
It's vital to have self-acceptance to get through transition and beyond. There are many ways to improve this-- think about all the worthwhile things about you. Sometimes you may need the validation of a therapist, friend, support group, job, etc. Perhaps you can do it on your own. However you can get there, get your self-esteem firmly implanted in your head. Ultimately, only you can feel good about you. It's all up to you.